Top 5 Worst Christian Songs

Now I should start off by saying that there certainly has been good christian inspired music. Most notably gospel in my opinion. However this top 5 worst list represents all that is wrong about contemporary christian music. It can’t ever be original because the people creating it are too close minded to ever experiment in any way. It’s always imitating another genre of music completely, but the music takes a back seat because the banal lyrics are supposed to be more important. So here’s the Top 5 Worst Christian Songs of all time


5. Natalie Grant: Held
This “inspirational” form of christian music epitomizes everything wrong with modern day fundies. Large swaths of cloth blow in the breeze as we see some bland looking blonde potato head sings about God killing babies. Bleee. Puke.


4. Stryper: To Hell With The Devil.
Stryper blends average guitar refrains with some of the worst vocals in “heavy metal” history. It says in the Bible that Satan will often wrap himself in the name of Jesus. Stryper very well could be an example of this. There’s nothing more evil than taking all the life out of music and reducing it to cliche.


3. I Luv Rap Music
Dc Talk are one of the most popular christian “bands” of all time. If you thought Vanilla Ice, and the Backstreet Boys were terrible then brace yourself. Imagine if Ronald Reagan’s moral majority in the 80s had managed to brainwash the entire country through their zombie mind beams. This is what your kids would be listening to.


2. Christ Like Cruizin
Holy St John the Baptizzzzah! B Shoc all up in it. In a stunning collusion of douchebaggery and christian inspired lyrics B Shoc rolls around his hood (Pine Grove Estates wasssup) blasting beats from his ricer. If these are Jesus beatz then I want a one way ticket to hell, where all the good musicians are hanging out. He should however get credit as the first rapper to ever give a shout out to “the burbs” without even a hint of irony.


1. Christian Side Hug
Here we see various white suburban gs gettin their christian side hug groove on. The song is about the dangers of “front hugging” a female. So these guys are trying to make side hugging hip to the new generation. At least they all get shot at the end of the video. Perhaps this is proof of god’s existence. If you think this performance was off the chain, you should’ve seen the afterparty at Arbys. It’s so bad you need the lyrics. sorry.

Lyrics:

[CHORUS]

Gimme dat Christian side hug
Dat Christian side hug
Gimme dat Christian side hug
Dat Christian side hug
I’m a ruff rider
Filled up with Christ love
Gimme dat Christian side hug
Dat Christian side hug

These are the EG rules so
Pay attention, it’s essential
This ain’t no front hug zone
You ain’t that fly, you ain’t my jones

Stop and listen
No front hugs and no kissin’
I ain’t that scared to call your momma
You’ll be ridin’ home in a coma

I got my groove
You ain’t got nothin’
Follow these rules
Cause we ain’t bluffin’

Now uh, you ain’t no rabbi
You ain’t no priest
So rise up off me like the shortbread with no yeast

Now uh, don’t use that front hug boy
That makes us awkward
That’s inappropriate
You back up off her ’cause we
Wanna keep our mind pure
Wanna keep away from sin
That means it’s you too girl
Only one arm around him

[CHORUS x2]

We be walkin’ like
We be talkin’ like
We be side huggin’
Every day and night

It’s how we do fool
This ain’t no club
So don’t be hatin’ on me when I show no love

We livin’ holy
It ain’t no thang
So put your hands in the air and let that shoulder hang

I’m goin’ global
Cause you don’t know me
I’m buyin’ babies like Angelina Jolie

So quit that huggin’
And slow down mama
And hit my fist like President Obama

Now, Democratic shift in the Congress, people
Now, Democratic shift in the Congress, people
Now, Democratic shift in the Congress, people

[CHORUS x2]

I’m a married man
So you know I can hold hands
Front hug all day long with no other demands

But uh, as for all of you
Until you say “I do”
No front huggin’ or PDA or your EG time is through

But uh, some of y’all is slick
Try to pull this trick
Your hug starts in the side
But soon it turns the chick

So if you end up here
Then go ahead and scream it
When I hug people I leave room for the Holy Spirit

If a girl walks up
With her arms spread wide
And she’s front hug bound with that look in her eye

You better turn to the side
And pat her on her back
Cause Jesus never hugged nobody like that
(Scream it)

[CHORUS x2]